I haven’t posted in a long while. This blog was started to help me through my ttc process, and I found a beautiful support group here. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through 5 IUIs and IVF without this place.
And here I am again. Before I move on to present day, an update on where I left off is in order. I had a beautiful pregnancy with little complications. Having a unicornuate uterus was a major concern but I made it past 39 weeks and had an amazing son. He is the light of my life, my miracle baby. He is worth every tear, every doctor’s visit, every needle, every surgery, every early morning wake up. He is absolutely worth everything. I know many people who go through much worse than me and never get their babies. I know how blessed I am.
The past year and a half makes it easy to forget I struggle with infertility. I’ve been basking in baby bliss and smothered in baby kisses.
We didn’t plan on even starting to try until my son was at least a year old. And then I was a few days late. I ignored it since New Years was here, and really what were the odds? We tried for 6 years without any positive results. Surely one night in December couldn’t result in anything.
I took a test 4 days ago. It was positive. My mind was blown and my world literally felt like it was spinning. I keep thinking it’s too soon. But OMG I am having a baby ALL ON OUR OWN!!!! I immediately start googling age gaps in children and imagining them playing together and being best friends because they will be so close in age. I began mourning the alone time I’ll have with my son, but envisioning another little squish in my arms. I’m sure I went through all the crazy thoughts fertiles have when they first find out they are pregnant and it is not planned.
My lines were not as dark as they were when I was pregnant with my son. I chalked it up to not really knowing when conception happened. A luxury I have never had before. I made an appointment with my doctor, but something inside me said “this is not real, this is not your story.”
We couldn’t see anything on the sonogram. The doctor said it’s probably too early. They took my blood and said to come back in two days. Again I heard myself saying “this is not your story.”
This morning my line was barley visible. I took three tests all with the same results. My beta came back at 21 and my progesterone was 1. They like to see it at 10.
I know many people on ttc boards will say things about test dye and water intake. And “it’s not over until it’s over.”
But this is my story. I know where we go from here and I know the ending. And I’m angry. I did not ask for this. I was not trying. I was happy and content and I did not ask for my fertility, or lack thereof, to be a player in my life at the moment. I am angry that the universe decided to drag this issue to the forefront. I’m an angry I have not had more time to forget I am not fertile. I am angry to be grieving a child I am losing.
I guess most of all I am angry my fertility issue didn’t magically go away. I guess if you ever try to forget your story, the universe will find a way to remind you. And I’m angry about that.