If you ever forget, the universe will remind you

I haven’t posted in a long while. This blog was started to help me through my ttc process, and I found a beautiful support group here. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through 5 IUIs and IVF without this place.

And here I am again. Before I move on to present day, an update on where I left off is in order. I had a beautiful pregnancy with little complications. Having a unicornuate uterus was a major concern but I made it past 39 weeks and had an amazing son. He is the light of my life, my miracle baby. He is worth every tear, every doctor’s visit, every needle, every surgery, every early morning wake up. He is absolutely worth everything. I know many people who go through much worse than me and never get their babies. I know how blessed I am.

The past year and a half makes it easy to forget I struggle with infertility. I’ve been basking in baby bliss and smothered in baby kisses.

We didn’t plan on even starting to try until my son was at least a year old. And then I was a few days late. I ignored it since New Years was here, and really what were the odds? We tried for 6 years without any positive results. Surely one night in December couldn’t result in anything.

I took a test 4 days ago. It was positive. My mind was blown and my world literally felt like it was spinning. I keep thinking it’s too soon. But OMG I am having a baby ALL ON OUR OWN!!!! I immediately start googling age gaps in children and imagining them playing together and being best friends because they will be so close in age. I began mourning the alone time I’ll have with my son, but envisioning another little squish in my arms. I’m sure I went through all the crazy thoughts fertiles have when they first find out they are pregnant and it is not planned.

My lines were not as dark as they were when I was pregnant with my son. I chalked it up to not really knowing when conception happened. A luxury I have never had before. I made an appointment with my doctor, but something inside me said “this is not real, this is not your story.”

We couldn’t see anything on the sonogram. The doctor said it’s probably too early. They took my blood and said to come back in two days. Again I heard myself saying “this is not your story.”

This morning my line was barley visible. I took three tests all with the same results. My beta came back at 21 and my progesterone was 1. They like to see it at 10.

I know many people on ttc boards will say things about test dye and water intake. And “it’s not over until it’s over.”

But this is my story. I know where we go from here and I know the ending. And I’m angry. I did not ask for this. I was not trying. I was happy and content and I did not ask for my fertility, or lack thereof, to be a player in my life at the moment. I am angry that the universe decided to drag this issue to the forefront. I’m an angry I have not had more time to forget I am not fertile. I am angry to be grieving a child I am losing.

I guess most of all I am angry my fertility issue didn’t magically go away. I guess if you ever try to forget your story, the universe will find a way to remind you. And I’m angry about that.

#infertility #unicornuateuterus

Finally out!

This was the photo we posted on Facebook making it official! I made sure to note our 6 year struggle. It was important to me to acknowledge our longest wish finally coming true.

Technically we are a week early making the announcement, but we’re not worried. After we took the picture the hubs was so excited to share I couldn’t tell him no. 🙂

The due date is a little bit of a gray area. I think our official due date is March 1st, but it varies depending on how the ultrasound is measured. Plus with my unicornuate uterus I’ll most likely go into labor early, so we just put February.

It feels good to finally be able to share the news with family and friends!

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10 weeks

Thought I’d stop in and give ya’ll an update since it’s been a few weeks.
Pregnancy has definitely been immediately calming for me. I know. Not normal. I’m not on pins and needles waiting for my next ultrasound or test result. I’m not a bag full of nerves. I’m mellow. So that’s cool.
As for symptoms, I’ve been pretty exhausted the last few weeks. But I’m lucky enough to sleep when my body tells me I need to sleep. I’ve been a little nauseous before meal times. But I haven’t had any food aversions really. As far as first trimesters go, I think I got the long straw. At first this concerned me, but everything has been fine. I’m thinking this is really just God saying “girl you’ve been through enough. Here is a present from me. You’re welcome.”
I feel truly blessed at this moment. Everything seems to be falling into place. One thing I’ve certainly learned from the past year or so is you’re exactly where you need to be, and to acknowledge the moment. Live it. Feel it. Respect it. I’m not sure why I went there…let’s just chalk it up to pregnancy glow through words.
Our last appointment was with our OB. The baby was dancing around and looked so freakin cute. Even the doctor, who was dry as toast, lit up when he saw the baby doing a jig.
They took a ton of blood. I’m talking 7-10 vials of blood. Apparently it’s standard to do genetic testing at their practice. One cool thing (although not really relevant to us) is that they took a swab of the hubs mouth and can determine the sex of the baby. This was last week, so they can find that out at 9 weeks! Crazy!
We decided not to find out the sex of the baby. We’d like at least one thing in this process to be old fashioned. Plus we can’t think of a more exciting moment than to find out the sex on our baby’s birthday.
I’ll leave you with a picture of my view for today. Enjoy!

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7 Weeks

I know I haven’t posted in a while. Most women in my position say they have been in pregnancy land, but I don’t know what that is and it sounds scary. Honestly there just isn’t as much going on as there was during my cycles. There are less doctor appointments, less drugs and less anxiety (at least for me-from my understanding that isn’t totally normal).
My life is just calming down, and it feels amazing. I think I just consciously made the decision not to be a stressed out anymore. It’s like I could see the stress and anxiety in my hand and I just set it down and walked away. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have moments of worry. But they are brief moments, rather than the obsessive hours they use to be.
Infertility literally sucks the life out of you. It’s all you can think about, talk about and dream about. There’s no sugar coating it. It fucking sucks. And no one can even possibly begin to understand unless they live it, like any disease I imagine. It’s for this very reason I will not be starting a new blog. This community has been more helpful than I could ever imagine, and I am permanently invested in your stories and continue to follow them, as I hope you do mine.
On the pregnancy front, things are progressing beautifully! The heart beat jumped up to 131! I’m still amazed that this miracle is growing inside me. I thought we were out for sure after the betas. Clearly this baby is not a showboater, just like its parents. 🙂
As for me, my symptoms have been minimal. I feel so blessed! I’ve had bouts of nausea, but nothing to complain about. My pimples are gone. My rashes are clearing up. The gas on the other hand, ya that’s getting worse. I have to say that’s not fun when I’m around other people. And, um, movements have been non existent for 5-6 days. So there’s that.
I wanted to post some pictures of my POAS obsession. I know I really appreciated comparing them to other people’s when I wasobsessed unsure what I was looking at.
So here you go!
4dp5dt-8dp5dt

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9dp5dt-over 5 weeks

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Before I threw them out the hubs questioned me to make sure it’s what I wanted to do. He also wanted to make sure I knew I was throwing out over $100 worth of sticks. 😳

Enjoy!

First ultrasound

And we have a heartbeat people!!!!

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Our little baby was measuring 6 weeks 2 days ( I thought I was 6 weeks 1 day) and had a heartbeat of 107. You could even see it flickering on the screen. The technician thought this was great news! I of course cried. Everyone at the clinic was congratulating us, even the billing coordinator and I’m not even sure how she found out. She said news spreads fast for the patients they like. 😉

I’m feeling relatively calm. I’m not obsessively looking into numbers, nor am I interested in comparing. I was told the normal range was 90-110 and my doctor likes to see anything over 100. So I’m trusting him.

There is so much out there that can get us wrapped into a ball of anxiety. And I want nothing to do with it, no matter how hard the world tries. I think the stress of the betas floored me. And I just can’t. I’m done with that. Anyone with IF has learned they can’t control shit. Even with science on your side, you can’t control shit.

This baby will either grow and be born into arms that loved and fought for it long, long before it was born. Or it won’t. And there’s nothing I can do about it but love it at this very moment.

As for symptoms, I get a little queasy here and there but I have a pretty high protein diet and that seems to help. My face is broken out like a 16 year old girl (in fact it’s worse now than when I went through puberty). I pee constantly. I’m gassy. 😳 Bad. But enough on that. My boobs are huge and tender, but what else is new. I’m getting rashes in unsightly places like my eyelid. I’m also still thirsty as hell and have metal mouth. Oh…and I’m moody.

Besides all that I’m really enjoying being pregnant. The last time I posted I think I talked about wanting morning sickness. Well screw that. I don’t have it and I don’t want it. The universe owes me that I think. Lol.

In-Laws

That title probably made you think there’s a bunch of juicy drama in this post. Lol. Funny how words carry connotations.

Sorry, no drama here. I got the sweetest package from my mother-in-law today. I can’t wait until I’m sick enough to need those ginger gummy things. Until then, Sees candy it is!

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The necklace in the pic is actually a unicorn necklace my sister-in-law sent me a few weeks ago. Can you believe she found a unicorn necklace?!? I wore it during conception. Lol! (I bet she loves knowing that!)
Here’s a close up:

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I’m pretty blessed to have these people in my family. My sister-in-law feels more like a sister than an in-law, and that’s not an easy thing to accomplish since she lives on the opposite side of the country.

As for how I’m feeling, I’m feeling pretty good and I’m hating it. I’d love to be puking my brains out right now. Although I’ve read morning sickness does not equate to a healthy pregnancy. And I’m about a week or two early for that still. I don’t care. I wanna puke.

I’m pretty petrified that things are not progressing the way they should and I don’t know it because of the progesterone I’m taking. I know feeling that way is normal but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve been on an emotional freakin’ roller coaster the past 6 years ttc that climaxed over the last 9 months during treatments. I thought it would subside once I got a BFP….but no…no, that would be a little too fair of life wouldn’t it.

The wait for my ultrasound isn’t anywhere close to the wait for beta results, but I wouldn’t say it feels like I’m in Disneyland either. I’m sure my anxiety will go up the closer we get to it. I’m trying to not google. I’m sure I’ll be better at that now that I ran out of HPTs. 😦 (Yes I’ve been taking them daily and chasing the obsession to understand the results for hours on end. Lame. I do not recommend doing this.)

For now I’m trying to enjoy the sun, the holiday weekend and tan like it’s my job.